My First Day of Guilt!!!

After a year long work break, my first day in a new office, commenced today. Having joined as a Senior Finance Manager, my boss, a senior person and professional, seemed very happy to have me as a part of his core team since the idea that  I would offload him, besides the value addition  aiding in furthering their finance department plans, appeared to brighten him up each time he mentioned it. But as for me it was a different day. I was out of home after a real long break…though I had taken decent efforts to stay connected over the developments in my field, I was not sure of how fast I would get back on track with the 8 to 5 routine, besides the endless unreasonable overtimes that I was told, would shortly follow. One step at a time – I reminded myself. Having come this far, there can be no looking back now…I decided.

It being my first day, I was often reminded of my little one at home. Whenever I peeped into the cloud cam I found LO playing with the new maid who was doing her best and reasonably succeeding too in keeping her happy and well-occupied. However, everytime I did that, an unaccountable guilt assailed me, with the little pangs intolerable each time, so much so that, I found myself instantly shutting off the Camera app on the cell phone. The only voice  that seemed to cloud my brain were the feelings of my heart that told me loud and clear, to run back home…What am I doing here? I found asking myself and why ? Do I really need to do this? Cannot I manage life without a career or this money? Of course, I can, I knew…then why all this? The gains were peanut compared to the value of what I was missing out on…was the clear thought and the most straightforward equation that I could cohere.

All the while on my way back home, I found myself engaged in the switch-on switch-off game, unable to bear all that I kept seeing. Of course, there were the other family members around…it was just that the maid besides being diligent in her job, also seemed to like what she was doing. Basically she liked the smart kid and therefore seemed to be able to manage her too. The liking was mutual. But yet it gave me little comfort since I should have be the one there instead, I felt.

As I get off the metro and begin walking towards home, in the cold chill of the desert winter evening, I begin thinking of making it up to her, by taking her out to see her happy face. I reach home expecting the little cherub to come running towards me as was always the case when she was smaller. Instead, as I enter inside the house, the kid is nowhere to be seen around. I quiz the maid who smilingly informs that she’s in the bedroom engrossed in the mobile. I go in there and this grown up little lady, cool headedly, walks out towards me with the cell phone in her hand that played one of her kids video, her eyes curiously searching,  if anyone arrived after the door bell rang, besides me. Of course, she does throw a smile at my direction and run towards me to give a brief hug before she goes out of the room to answer her curiosity and finding no one, comes back. When I call her to me, acknowledge she does but prefers to sit on her chair and get back to her video. What the heck!!!, I exclaim restlessly – there I was returning home, all guilt laden and here she is nonchalantly unbothered. OK cool…so be it…I too decidedly resign…she will come whenever she has to.

After sometime, as we sit planning our dinner outside, we see her coughing and the idea has to be instantly dropped, more in consideration of the outside weather. Besides she felt warm. As I check her temperature she comes to sit on my lap (of course not without the mobile) and from there on sticks to me and here’s where I get my opportunity to shower her the hugs and kisses I wanted to all the while which she seemed to receive with a content happiness.

Was this a lesson?….An answer to all the guilt I felt for so along?…I muse, as I part the streaks of hair falling over her face…Chill!!!…and learn to stay cool…maybe I should learn something from the kid, were the thoughts that seemed to crowd my heart and convey the overwrought mind which is finally calm while I smile inward at these realisations.

 

 

 

 

 

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